Remakes... ?

Ok, ok, I just wasted the last 30 minutes of my life watching a 1988 remake of the 1958 hit THE BLOB. 30 minutes watching a crappy horror remake. A crappy remake! That's familiar. I am beginning to have a huge problem with this whole REMAKE shit...
Especially with horror movies...

From the very first scene where we meet the blob (for those of who don't recall... this is the scene where the old dude sees the comet hit Earth and quickly examines the gelatin blaze), I wanted to kill the guy who said "Hey, let's make THE BLOB...again." No, not kill... have a demon fuck him up the ass. Yes, that's justice. Let's discuss why this moment angers me so much, shall we?

The 58 blob was freakin creepy because it the formed around the stick very slowly.
The 88 blob has a jaw which latches on to whatever it touches.... so naturally it quickly grabbed the stick.

The 58 blob slowly went for the old man's hand... you weren't really sure what was happening.
The 88 blob snapped at the old man's hand... going for that good old "let's be super fast about this and surprise everyone" scare tactic. Lame!

The 58 blob swallowed the man whole (at the hospital)... and you never really anything but a shadow. You were forced to use your imagination.
The 88 blob was discovered eating the man... and upon closer examination you saw the blob eating the man alive... and upon an eve closer look saw the blob only half the man... leaving a hollow shell for the upper body. They wanted their audiences to say "ew, gross." I say, "ew, fuck you."

The 58 blob always seemed to creep away within the heating vents, etc.
The 88 blob seemed to simply disappear.

The 58 blob relied heavily on lighting and shadows.
The 88 blob relied heavily on the gross out and special effects factor.

My point is this:
I hate horror remakes.... and I will come back to this shortly... however...
I prefer older horror movies. Why? They make you think. They make you use your imagination. This is why such films as HALLOWEEN, BLAIR WITCH PROJECT - perhaps one of the freakiest movies to come out in the last ten years (hate me now but I will explain later) - and THE BLOB... or any Legosi stuff (and even the comical horror flicks with Abbott and Costello)... are so effective. You don't see everything. You let your mind wonder. The fact that you don't know, don't see everything helps intensify the experience. If your mind starts going nuts it becomes personal... and nothing is scarier than that.

Horror remakes?
THE AMITYVILLE HORROR? Don't bother. See the original.
REAR WINDOW? Hitchcock is brilliant. Don't touch his stuff.
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE? Yikes. Enough said.
THE HAUNTING? What the hell?
DAWN OF THE DEAD? Didn't even bother.
THE STEPFORD WIVES? Yeah, I own it because it's funny (and I am a huge fan of Roger Bart and Matther Broderick)... but it's not supposed to be...

Now, remakes... in general...
I don't mind this as much... but I still say come up with your own fucking material. (Note: While I am huge theatre fan, the stage needs new shit too. Enough with the revivals and turning every film into a stage fiasco.) There are many remakes that I found quite good... but that's because they strayed far from the original design.

A few good remakes:
*THE NUTTY PROFESSOR. Fat, black sweetheart who turns himself into a skinny, smooth talking jerk. Not really what Mr. Lewis did in the first.
*FATHER OF THE BRIDE. Steve Martin at his finest. Great stuff.
*OCEAN'S ELEVEN. Brilliant stuff here. Not really what the Rat Pack went for and it worked extremely well.
*VANILLA SKY. Abre Los Ojos.
*CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. New. Fresh. Depp and Burton, much thanks. (Don't worry... I still LOVE the original. It will always be a favorite.)

Now, there are a numbers of terrible remakes... most of the in the last few years:

A few bad remakes:
HONEYMOONERS? Please. I didn't even bother to see this crap.
BAD NEWS BEARS? Shut the fuck up.
DR. DOOLITTLE? What went wrong with your career Eddie?
CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN? I never liked this and hated the remake even more. You will die, Kutcher, you will die.
THE FAMILY MAN? Way to change the title you "IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE" wanna be... you suck.

I swear if anyone tries to remake THE WIZARD OF OZ or recreate any of Johnny Depp's performances I will quit life.

That's all for now. I am emotionally exhausted.... this may beat my McRib situation.

Coming soon:
*McRib, or How I Learned to Love Chicken When the Bastards at McDonalds take it away
*TABOO and FRIENDS... my guilty pleasures
*THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT and why it's scares the crap out of me
*RENT film review...
*My top 10 list…

Best wishes!